The Fear of Getting Tested

It is scary to even think about the need to get tested for HIV and other STDs. It is upsetting to face the reality that no one is safe – no wife, no husband, no girlfriend, no boyfriend, lover, sibling, parent, grandparent, soon to be born child, friend, etc. Those sexually active – those believed to be monogamous and those who know there is no monogamy in their relationship, are all at risk. An unaccepted reality too hard to deal with by many, although knowing your health status can free you of the fear you have of not knowing. The thought of getting tested wakes you up in the morning and disturbs your day. You constantly think: where can I go to get tested, who will see me, what will the doctors think about me, what will the other patients think, should I tell my spouse, will I find out something I can’t deal with about my spouse, will I lose my job or place to live, will family and friends still love me, will I die, can I still live the life I want to live, etc…etc…etc. These thoughts make you sweat until you take the brave step to get tested. Even when you get there you want to run out, but everyone has seen you – you think they know you, but they don’t. You don’t want to sit by others, but you notice they don’t want to sit by you either. You want to die, but not by AIDS. You’d rather hear that you have any other STD, but then you rethink this and pray you don’t have anything. You think about they doctor telling you how healthy you are and then you imagine how silly you feel. You think about the person sitting across from you and imagine them having AIDS and are grateful you don’t have it. You would empathize with the thought of them having AIDS and you pray for them. You see disease as happening to anyone, but you. Finally the tests are over and you learn your status. If you are negative, you make a quick promise to be dedicated to God and yourself. You promise to take precautions and not let others jeopardize your health. If you are positive, you are confused and feel alone, but pray. As you tearfully pray you learn that you hear someone telling you that you can fully live as long as you follow the doctor’s health plans. You are afraid, but will live on. You think daily about what living now means to you and hopefully you gain a new perspective on what it means to live for your safety and the safety of others. In the end, fear can no longer decide your day the way it did before you took the brave step to get tested.